(English) Book Review: Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent: Building Relationships, Buying Breakfasts, and Other Secrets for Connecting with Your Teenager

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Justin Young

Parenting teenagers is difficult. Parenting teenagers in a new country with a new language seems nearly impossible. But yet that is the task of all immigrant parents. Thankfully, parents of teenagers are not alone. Not only can they seek the help of fellow parents, but there are numerous excellent resources on parenting teenagers. One such resource is the book Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent: Building Relationships, Buying Breakfasts, and Other Secrets for Connecting with Your Teenager by Jonathan McKee. McKee is an author, speaker, and trainer who equips others — including parents — to care for teenagers.

In Candid Confessions, McKee begins by affirming the importance of parents in the life of their teenagers. Indeed, despite the onslaught of media (a recent study found that 8- to 18-year-olds absorb nearly 8 hours of of entertainment media per day — and that does not even include texting!), McKee cites multiples studies which show the positive impact of a parental presence. Conversely, without the input of a loving parent, a teenager will simply default to being shaped by their friends, media, and school. But how can a parent of a teenager develop a healthy, quality relationship with his or her teenager?

McKee cites spending quality time with one’s teenager as foundational. But this takes planning for, as one pediatrician notes, a typical father will spend three or less minutes per day alone with his teenager. While parents of teenagers excel at formulating excuses for not spending time with their teenage children, there is no substitute for spending quality time with them — despite the fact that teenagers will rarely acknowledge or appreciate such parental presence. Capturing this notion, McKee insightfully writes, “Kids might barely notice when we are there, but they really notice when we’re not there!”

Quality time can then lead to quality conversations. McKee suggests that the key to cultivating such quality conversations is spending quality time with them in an arena conducive to good communication. That is, rather than sitting down at the dinner table and interrogating his teen, a parent might take them out to his favorite restaurant or participate alongside them in her favorite hobby. As they do so, light conversation will naturally progress deeper.

By spending quality time and engaging in quality conversations, the goal of a quality relationship is born. Depending on the state of the current relationship with the teenager, it may take many outings before he or she opens up. That should not be surprising because quality relationships take time. Further, once a quality relationship is achieved, that relationship — much like a garden — needs to be continually tended and invested in.

McKee includes concrete illustrations and suggestions for enacting the above as well as sections on setting reasonable media boundaries, implementing discipline, and a challenging exercise to help parents consider how they can shape their parenting legacy.

Parenting teenagers is unlike any other experience in life. While it provides great risk and, at times, great pain, that seven-year window goes by quickly and, with resources such as McKee’s book, has potential to be a profound and life-giving journey as the teenager is ushered into adulthood.